What men mean when they talk about their “crazy” ex-girlfriend is often that she was someone who cried a lot, or texted too often, or had an eating disorder, or wanted too much/too little sex, or generally felt anything beyond the realm of emotionally undemanding agreement. That does not make these women crazy. That makes those women human beings, who have flaws, and emotional weak spots. However, deciding that any behavior that he does not like must be insane– well, that does make a man a jerk.
And when men do this on a regular basis, remember that, if you are a woman, you are not the exception. You are not so cool and fabulous and levelheaded that they will totally get where you are coming from when you show emotions other than “pleasant agreement.”
When men say “most women are crazy, but not you, you’re so cool” the subtext is not, “I love you, be the mother to my children.” The subtext is “do not step out of line, here.” If you get close enough to the men who say things like this, eventually, you will do something that they do not find pleasant. They will decide you are crazy, because this is something they have already decided about women in general.
i can’t have a normal conversation with another femme because my heart will literally stop beating and my brain will just translate everything I feel and want to say to “asjdskflasdfghjkl” and i will blush uncontrollably because femmes are so overwhelmingly brilliant and powerful and stunning and…
still upset that the films never acknowledge that Peeta loses a limb in the first arena and goes through the Quarter Quell with a prosthetic leg
or that Katniss has suffered permanent hearing loss in one of her ears and now requires a hearing aid
or, you know, the Avoxes
because, you know, why show disabled people doing things
Let's Blow This Shit Up
Someone is making a BDSM wiki. Sounds potentially useful, right? I mean, who wouldn’t want a community driven resource for newbies? Well, it seems like the current editor(s) have some really shitty views about consent.
Here’s an excerpt from the current FAQ on the site. I’d like to reiterate, trigger warning for rape, rape culture, ableism, and a variety of other shitty things on the following quote:
I saw someone not following best practices concerning BDSM like I read in all the books and now I’m freaking out and hyperventilating into a bag; what should I do?
Whoah, hold on there, fun police. I know this is going to sound hard for a new person to get their head around, but at some point, some of the rules, heck, at times even many of the rules will go out the window. Here’s the real question… was anyone seriously injured? Are they about to be seriously injured in the next five seconds? Was there an egregious consent violation? If not well then chill out, put your feet up and relax a little.
Best Practices are great, and you should always, always, always follow them, but the reality of the situation is accidents happen, or not, and either way sometimes not everyone is going to do everything by the book, and yes, even a monkey will fall out of a tree on occasion. Now to be frank, if you think something is seriously dangerous and there is an undue risk of injury, report that to an appropriate authority figure in the context of your situation (in many cases you can discreetly signal a dungeon monitor, house dom, or the top in question and privately indicate the best practices violation to correct it) and do your best to make sure everyone comes through better in the end.
If consent violations and serious injury isn’t what is going on, well, chances are you need to take a few deep breaths and learn to not sweat the small stuff rather than start spreading tons of harmful gossip that “so and so top isn’t safe” and cause lots of unnecessary drama in the process. This sort of practice of unnecessary drama usually is just going to cause division and hurt feelings within your community and could subconsciously be a representation of your own desire for more attention. Chances are, if you aren’t a trained Dungeon Monitor and are also very new, you’re not going to be doing much in the way of saving lives, and instead will be doing more in the way of ruining scenes. The lesson being, avoid gossip, it’s bad.
Yeah. That’s right kids. Respect authority. Don’t question. Don’t talk about consent violations. Why do you hate fun?
Fuck everything about that.
So what can we do to fix this steaming pile of garbage? Surprisingly, a lot! It’s a wiki. Anybody can make an edit. In fact, I’d like to encourage my followers and anyone else who feels so inclined to make edits to this wiki. Make edits that say the TRUTH about BDSM. Talk about consent. Talk about abuse. Talk about anything you wish you could have told your newbie self. If there’s enough of us, we can take control. Who wants in?
Please feel free to reblog, link, and otherwise disseminate widely.